The prospect of predictability is a mentality I feel confident declaring as being generally shared and generally valued.
I know that, for the most part, I expect to keep experiencing things just the way I always have. I expect knowing where and when I’ll wake up, the basic survival steps I’ll take throughout the day, how I’ll go about to complete it, ready for tomorrow to start all over again.
Maybe I enjoy the sense of safe that comes from rhythmic life. Or, more precise, maybe that’s just a trick I play on myself, a trick used to make life seem normal. Because the truth is life is so freakin’ extraordinary that for most of the time I simply can’t handle fully looking at it.
It’s as if life, itself, can be so brivant it hurts my eyes.
The simple fact of the matter is that nothing is ever certain. Too often, I remember that truth when the ground suddenly disappears and I’ve fallen on my arse.
Last week I experienced the ground suddenly disappear when I realized I was working with a transgender person.
At the moment she and I introduced ourselves I didn’t feel fazed; I hadn’t noticed she was born a he.
“Hi Eve, welcome, nice to meet you, name’s Rick, sorry I didn’t say hi just before”… (whispering now) “I ran in late. Sure you met the manager… didn’t want her noticing…Shush.” (Mutual laughter followed by me extending a hand and offering to answer any questions she may have.)
An hour into the day, the atmosphere quieted, a coworker of 3 plus years appears, joining in as I’m straightening the shared office.
My coworker, “So, you met the new one?”
“Yeah, real nice! She’s sweet. Too bad the poor girl is stuck slaving away here with the rest of us.” (A shared and somewhat forced LOL moment.)
“You mean, he”, said my coworker.
“There’s two new hires? What for?”
“No, you know that she’s not really a she”, said my coworker.
“You know that, that, she is …Wait! Well, you know I would have figured that out, myself!”, was my reaction.
Okay, now I’m fazed. Thankfully not in the presence of the new hire. My coworker is laughing at me, likely the cause of my face turned red, my fidgeting behavior and my uncollected thoughts too uncomplicated to read.
Holy $hit! I mean, so now I’m supposed to be aware of gender or “real gender”, was what I told myself. At this point I’m mentally defending myself from feeling dubbed or naïve.
Oh yeah, now I see it, were the following thoughts.
“Humm, okay” “Dude, come on… so would have figured that out if I wasn’t busy here, but thanks for the heads up, Luigi”.
About 15 minutes now passed and I noticed the “alert” lingers on.
In truth, I was thankful of the notice. I don’t want to think what my reaction or awkward behavior might had been had I come to realize Eve as being transgender while in her presence.
However, for unknown reasons, feelings of interest mixed with sorrow laid ahead.
I asked myself, why would Eve, or anyone, want to be born a female?
(No offense ladies: life is hard enough and the added weight or burden of being female, well, I’m just not man enough to handle it.)
The hardship of being born male in body when your spirit and mind are female… The idea just trips me out. The poor new girl is living life as a member of a very marginalized group.
I had to talk myself out of over thinking a situation, or a state of being, that’s too beyond my understanding. If I’m to remain honest and forthcoming, noting that for additional unknown reasons, if I over think without direction or without a framework on mind I might end up in a minor state of depression.
I had to accept the health that comes from surrendering to the unknown.
Questioning if Eve would prefer being transgender over being born biologically female from birth was left alone.
I think the better question was not if Eve, the new hire, prefers her state of being over another, as I am now able to create solace by way of believing Eve holds real insight on experiencing the barriers between male and female. That, in and of itself, has to be worth something.
No, I think a better self-serving question is, how do I go about looking at life without fear of the brightness.
Just knowing of an Eve: a world that holds such variety auto be appreciated and admired.
So, with that, I’ll consider my eyes more open.