Today feels all too familiar.  I’m feeling stuck or limited.  An issue I’ve been sidestepping from.  An issue that affects my quality of life. To some degree affecting the lives of others either dependant on or in relationship to me.

Comparing my life to the vast majority, what justification do I have to feel stuck?  How selfish can I possible be?   The lack of justification and the sense of feeling selfish makes me unable to really confront this pestering fog.

In an effort to not feel selfish, in an effort to impede sidestepping, maybe I should tackle this feeling under the pretense of owing others …Coercing myself to not let others down, to not be an imposition in any capacity, to somehow uplift their lives.

I’ve always attributed my lack of fully experiencing life; such never experiencing a live music concert or having only gone to a Broadway show once as my natural state of being oblivious to some sensibilities.

Noticing I’ve wanted but withheld myself from going to certain museums, from enjoying weekend travels, from daring myself to date, or even from accepting job offers, the acting out of withdrawal offers insight that such actions hold some appeal -offering happiness- albeit temporary.

With great introspect I admittedly carry a “gotta drag me out attitude” to be a part of an audience or crowd.  I rather experience types of arts through a mechanism or device (perhaps as a vice …who knows).

I’m unable to count the inanimate materials, actions, objects and aspects therein, which encourages happiness (whether temporary or sustaining).  Therefore, I know that’s not going to cause lasting happiness.

Shifting to which elements of life brings feeling of bliss, one facet is my being born in a rich society, right here in Queens, NYC: a center of history, great food, arts, diverse cultures, and more.

As to what feeling offers sustainable personal happiness?  For me, I’m convinced the feeling of freedom makes me feel happy.

Considering myself someone who lives an examined life I think I hold the right balance of emotions, aspirations, and morailty, to allow myself to feel freedom.  And yet, the feeling of freedom flickers as if it’s a weak electrical current.

But I think approaching which things or which aspects of life would or should I introduce to increase feeling freedom (with the byproduct being happiness) isn’t the right approach.

Tricky as I have been thinking about it, maybe freedom not a matter of the right mix; rather a matter of a missing ingredient.

Maybe this pestering fog isn’t going to disperse through the acts of finding more activities; approaching the solution as a matter of recalibrating ingredients.  Perhaps the solution is sourceable from a perspective of a missing ingredient that sustains freedom.

And so, if my source of happiness is freedom, maybe the missing ingredient to freedom is… Courage?