Sagely Salvaged

February 11, 2017

At Odds

Confused on certain matters while open-minded on matters I hold a firm understanding of makes me susceptible to outside influences.

I, a current and aware individual who believes some communities within society are failing or are in declining (myself, a member of such a declining community) leads me to think:

“Okay, here are the facts as I know them: There’s this – and there’s that.

There’s the other somethings: Some within my control – others not within my control”.

Stay focused, Rick! Keep reflecting; make sure to understand the incentives that align what I believe is ‘the right way’ so that what’s good for me at the moment is also good for my community, all 320+ million.

And don’t forgo the truth that what’s good for all within my community at the moment also needs to be good for my community in the long run.

Yet those outside influences, what makes them so powerful is the relationship of such: Family and friends with really awesome but opposing arguments.

So I recluse myself to reevaluate what I believe to be true rather than just submit. Life would actually be (but would it feel?) easier if I just pretend to believe like the 90% that represents my family and friends.

Among us, all are toxic and harmful divisive whispers, to which I want to say – FUCK OFF! Talk to me about what is practical, what is sensible, what is factual, what can I do.

It’s so much easier to attack and to blame instead of growing up; accepting the hardship that I helped cause.

So I continue in search of facts. I’m getting better at fact-finding and at weeding out excuses to facts.

It’s the use of ambiguous language so as to conceal or avoid commitment that distracts me from a fact, a feeling of humor sometimes dumbness usually confirms I found an excuse.

But when I come across a thought that’s indisputable (free of personal emotions or prejudices), that vibrates within my psyche to cause a feeling of ache leading to hope, that’s when I’m assured I discovered a fact.

February 6, 2017

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d ə ˈ p l ô r ə b ( ə ) I am.

I hold a natural thirst for deep knowledge yet carry a lot of anxiety.

It’s the anxiety that allows me the sensitivities others may not fully understand or even possess for themselves.

The combination of thirst and anxiety: This curse, this power, this weakness, this strength, has finally brought awareness of how an unforeseen onslaught of anxiety plus an attack of my ego can manifest a taste of rage and/or a certain sensation that is so damn close to hate.

I probably should have realized this a lot earlier, but:

recalling the times I’ve worked with Gail about a fleeting desire to shut off all feelings as being power or virtue,

recalling how I idolized a Star Trek character, Lieutenant Commander Operations Officer, Data,

recalling books similar to Helter Skelter holding a fascinating element, characters holding no real emotions for others besides themselves, ∝

FINALLY brought understanding that all three are adaptations of a similar habit: Building walls. The habit of building walls made of logic and reason to serve as a means of isolating or suppressing feelings.

A paradox to most others, I’m easily able to live by glaring contradictions that make perfect sense to me – at least from a purely rational perspective.

However, if it were not for such walls I don’t think I’d be able to air my unpopular conservative political ideologies that I feel the need to say.

Ever the online unabashed idealists to sometimes respond at others’ arguments with the bitterest of cynics, it’s without wonder why some of my political messages incite no positive effect.

I know this today. Maybe on some level, I’ve known this for a while. IDK. Maybe -in part- it’s the viewing of how political parties are spewing hatred and seeing how the media picks it up that hinders me from being a stronger communicator; more important, a stronger and better person.

∝ Note To Self: Yeah, most of us don’t seek out tales of murder, promiscuity, and violence. I don’t go out of my seeking to give myself the creeps. However, I have to acknowledge that feeling uncomfortable at times does offer certain teachings. Not trying to deflect here, but if you ask me it’s the media that seeks out such darkness. So before I go judging myself so harshly, first I’ll consider taking the “media chatter” to a psychiatrist, I wonder what would be its diagnosis?

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