I hold a natural thirst for deep knowledge yet carry a lot of anxiety.
It’s the anxiety that allows me the sensitivities others may not fully understand or even possess for themselves.
The combination of thirst and anxiety: This curse, this power, this weakness, this strength, has finally brought awareness of how an unforeseen onslaught of anxiety plus an attack of my ego can manifest a taste of rage and/or a certain sensation that is so damn close to hate.
I probably should have realized this a lot earlier, but:
recalling the times I’ve worked with Gail about a fleeting desire to shut off all feelings as being power or virtue,
recalling how I idolized a Star Trek character, Lieutenant Commander Operations Officer, Data,
recalling books similar to Helter Skelter holding a fascinating element, characters holding no real emotions for others besides themselves, ∝
FINALLY brought understanding that all three are adaptations of a similar habit: Building walls. The habit of building walls made of logic and reason to serve as a means of isolating or suppressing feelings.
A paradox to most others, I’m easily able to live by glaring contradictions that make perfect sense to me – at least from a purely rational perspective.
However, if it were not for such walls I don’t think I’d be able to air my unpopular conservative political ideologies that I feel the need to say.
Ever the online unabashed idealists to sometimes respond at others’ arguments with the bitterest of cynics, it’s without wonder why some of my political messages incite no positive effect.
I know this today. Maybe on some level, I’ve known this for a while. IDK. Maybe -in part- it’s the viewing of how political parties are spewing hatred and seeing how the media picks it up that hinders me from being a stronger communicator; more important, a stronger and better person.